Monday, August 3, 2009

Shake it like a baby you don't like.

I don't eat fast food very often. I eat it more than I should but still... Not that often. Last night, after playing Fable (and, by the way, I'm about a third of the way through it already) for a few hours, I decided that dinner was in order. I like the game. A whole, whole lot. Probably more than I should.

Blogging about video games on the internet? Single, indeed.

Anyway, I got in my car and drove down to Checkers to get a Checkerburger (which is much better than it deserves to be) and a shake. I eat/drink shakes less frequently than I eat fast food. But, and I'm going to quote my Grandad here, "When I want a malt, I want a malt!" Imagine if I were 83, southern, and fist fought Hitler during DubyaDubya 2 and there you go. I don't think I'd want to watch that, though. I'm not much of a boxing fan. Except for when the chicks wail on each other. That rules. Also, if my Grandad were still talking, I'd be scared shitless. Grandad's been dead for a year and a half now and that would be a hell of a trick.

So there I was, sitting in The Family Truckster and thinking about how awesome this milkshake was going to be. Awesome. Mega Awesome. Turbo Awesome. Almost as Awesome as Shark Week which, incidentally, is going on right now. My conversation with the voice on the other end of the magical order taking communimicatorer box went something like this:
Me: "Yeah... I'd like two Checkerburgers."
VotOEotMOTCB: "Two Checkerburgers... Anything else?"
Me: "Yeah, and a, uh, LARGE strawberry shake."
VotOEotMOTCB: "We outta shake mix."
Me [echoing the VotOEotMOTCB]: "You outta shake mix?"
VotOEotMOTCB [disgruntled]: "Yeah... we all outta shake mix."
Me: "Oh, well then I don't want anything.

And I drove off.

Why is every fast food restaurant perpetually:
a.) out of shake mix, or
b.) saddled with a broken shake mix machine.

I'm in the wrong business. I don't want to help people and companies solve their problems anymore. I wanna get into the shake business and I want to do it for me. And only me. Ask me if you can have some of my shake next time we hang out and see what happens:
We all know what happens here. This fight wasn't for pride or the love of a pre-coked out "healthy" Elizabeth Shue. It was 'cause the Cobra Kai tried to get on Daniel's shake. I know. I was there. I've got the tattoo to prove it. Karate is about devotion and discipline. And milkshakes. Trust me: I've got a black belt in... uh... Milkshakuru.

Why don't the shake makers ever plan properly? There's clearly a higher demand for shakes then they are giving their consumers credit for having. All I want is 800 ice cold calories and and all of my saturated fat for the day all at once... And I want it NOW, damnit!

Checker's, don't pull this shit on me again. Get some shake mix and get it now. Consider this strike one. Ask Wendy's about how long I can hold an ice cream-related grudge.

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