Saturday, August 8, 2009

Red, white and blue... not green.

Have you ever seen the movie Boiler Room? It's like a really bad version of Glengarry Glen Ross. And no one is nearly as bad ass as Alec Baldwin's character, Blake, in the Generation X/Y version. Having done sales before, and having been on a million and one sales interviews (a million of which sucked), I have heard, "Oh, man! You've got to see Boiler Room! I watch that movie about once a month. [Pause for laughter]. It's really intense." Anytime I hear that (or some derivative thereof) I know right then and there that the interview is over.

Seriously, you might be surprised at how many times that that movie comes up during sales interivews. I wish I were kidding. If I ever change companies again (hopefully, that won't be the case) I will ask the recruiter on the other end of the phone call if the person with whom I will be meeting is going to mention that film. If they do, I won't even show up... like the Detroit Lions in every football game... uhh... ever. Suck on that one, William Clay Ford. Your team sucks. Your team sucks worse than Boiler Room and guys that wear slip on shoes without socks. And that's alot.

But what's worse than my intense dislike of that horrible, horrible film, and how whatever-it-is relates to the business world? Going GREEN.

My friend Robbie had a nice rant over on his blog about the Cash for Clunkers program. I think that's a good start. Patrick Copeland followed that up with a blog of his own. Again, moving in the right direction. Sure, I love the environment. I drive a 4 cylinder car. I turn off lights when I'm not in a room. I buy rechargeable batteries for my Wii controllers.

I'm sick of hearing about every company "going green".

"Oh! I'm saving the environment! I love the earth! Dirt! Grass! Michigan State!" Michigan State sucks. But that's not the reason that we should stop going green. That's right... I said it. STOP. Damn right.

First off all, Miss Piggy tried to go green for years by gettin' all up on Kermit. That would have killed all the sexual tension on The Muppet Show and what fun is that? Going green all in the name of some porker that needed to get laid? That's not worth it. If you're into that sort of thing, go hang out on 2nd Ave... There's a place called Fuel that's just for you.

What is it that made America great? Was it hanging out with Mother Earth? Nope. We've been fucking that up since before there was even an "America" to speak of. Ask any Indian (feather not dot) about that. They'll tell you. But, by raping and pillaging the land nice and early, we ended up with one of the greatest days of the year: Thanksgiving. Gravy. Turkey. Getting drunk really early on a Thursday. All part of the tradition.

Need another example? Sure! The Exxon/Valdez spill 20 years ago. It wasn't a terrible thing at all! All this drunk Russian captain was trying to do, other than play slalom with some icebergs while doing a shot of vodka for every successful navigation, was trying to make baby seals and polar bears rich beyond their wildest imagination. "Здесь, хорошая печать ребенка! Возьмите эту нефть и быть богатыми! Коммунизм - для мещан... Будьте богаты! Живите! ЖИВИТЕ!" is what he said. What does it mean? This: "Here, nice baby seal! Take this oil and be rich! Communism is for wimps... Be wealthy! Live! LIVE!" Seriously. It's on the black box. Ships have those, right? Did it work? Your damn right, it did. A year and a half later, the dude released a horrid record and still gets to make babies with Heid Klum. It's not 'cause she's in love with his talents. It's 'cause he's loaded.

So I say to you, my fellow Americans, "Screw going GREEN!" It ain't ever got us nowhere. Go buy a sweet new gas guzzler. Go throw your McDonald's wrapper out the window. Leave on all the lights on at your house all the time.

It's how we got here.

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