Monday, August 10, 2009

Hair raising performances

You see what happens when you're good at computers? You can figure out ways around blocked websites. Facebook pending. Sure, they're in place for a reason at work but when it's this slow on a Monday, what is one supposed to do? I've read all my beaty little eyes can handle on FMLA morning already. Yes, there is a test later. Yes, that was a lie. As of late, I have done an excellent job of staying on task here at work. I really enjoy my job and, stranger still, I really like working in a cubicle. Not as much as I like, say, mountain hiking but it's better than getting kicked in the teeth or creeping out a blonde at the bar which I may have inadvertently done on Saturday during the East Nashville Tomato Festival. But it's okay. All that being said, I am doing some job shadowing this afternoon and have really nothing else to do until that begins.

It's called "rationalization" and we all do it all the time. Don't judge me.

As I was am giving my eyes a rest from all things related to FMLA and the associated insurance whatnot that goes hand in hand with it, I popped on over to Google's news page. If you don't know how to get to Google, I am certainly not going to provide you with a link. Here's a quarter. Buy a clue. At any rate, their news section is exactly what one would expect it to be like: full of meta amounts of data and stories on everything from Obama's latest giving money away platform (send some my way, Barry!) to Typhoon Morakot attacking Taiwan. It's a pretty good aggregator, if you ask me. And I know you were going to anyway. I'm like a pre-cog in that movie Minority Report. You remember... The one with that dude that can't act (look to your left, kiddies) and... uhh... and that other dude that can't act. It sucked. Plus, Tom Cruise looks like he's trying to do some weird, Tron inspired finger dance half the movie. It's very disconcerting.

However, since it is Google and all... You get plenty of shit, too. Like, for example, a link to tasty nugget of news right on the front page. That's news? Really? I'm not even going to get into the fact that the movie (NOT film) won 11 MTV movie award things. I already threw up in my wastebasket and I don't know if I have the stomach to start thinking about that again.

Sure, people either love or hate the Twilight monster. Books, movies, that chick that was in that one Jodie Foster movie about a room in a house or something... There's rhythm, music, the works all about it. I don't know the first thing about the saga. Don't really care. What I do care about is how the dudes in the aforementioned MTV article credited their "awesome hair" for helping them to win awards. Sure, it appears that the, uh, stars of the film spoke it in jest but let's be serious for a second, okay? But just for a second.

Kids don't know any better. They see these dudes running around with greasy hair raised toward the heavens and are all "Sure, I'll vote for them for some awards!" Here's a major secret, folks: I used to have hair like that every summer. I got it at this place called "camp". It was awesome. There were panty candy raids and everything. I'm not so sure that "candy" is a better word than "panty". The entendres are through the roof on that one.

I've always been ahead of my time and ahead of the trends. If, 15 years ago, I would have known that having sweet and disgusting hair (it's a paradox) I would have said to my hair, "Hey, hair! Don't start fallin' out! You're gonna have to win an MTV Movie Award for me someday, damnit! Look your best!"

Of course, I could always just by that stuff in a can and have someone photoshop the results into an ad for me which may or may not have been done on one of the images on this post. I'll let you guess which one.

It's not the one with out Tom Cruise. I told you that I'm no good at keeping secrets. With that in mind, Tom Cruise survives Minority Report. There... I just saved you two and a half boring hours. Where's my award for that?


  1. Hey! I actually liked Minority Report, and most all of the films that have been adapted from Philip K. Dick novels. Except for Paycheck. That was pretty bad, and Ben Affleck, though not as crazy, might be even worse than Tom Cruise. At least TC was in Top Gun, and you'd can't deny his performance in Magnolia. Wait, am I defending Tom Cruise?? Oh, jeez....

  2. next you're gonna tell me that you liked "I, Frobot"
    er... "I, Brobot"

    wait... that Will Smith movie where he's running and wearing Chuck Taylor's. that one.


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