Friday, March 19, 2010

Why I Should be a Hobbit

I wrote and sent this letter to New Line Cinemas (and every other contact email I could find) this afternoon. If you've got the hookup or owe me a favor, now is the time to get in touch with anyone in the biz.

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

When I was in fifth grade, I had a friend named Zack Lemon. We were ten years old and the only things that we were concerned with that weekend’s basketball game, participating in the book fair, Mrs. Bibbee’s math test, and Heather Brown and why she was in love with Ryan Holmes and not either of us. Neither one of us were terribly popular. Maybe it’s because we spent our time getting into trouble instead of focusing on girls. Maybe it’s because neither one of us were nearly as cool as Ryan Holmes (let alone Paul Frieling). Maybe it’s because we were both too concerned with reading works of fiction and making swords out of discarded pieces of wood. I stand by my decisions though: they’ve gotten me this far in life. Of course, we ended up going to different high schools and eventually lost contact. I’ll give you a moment to recover if you need to. I know I do.

Okay… I’m back.

You can imagine my complete and total amazement especially being such a lover of literature that doesn’t suck (every book written by Michael Crichton, I’m looking at you), when some ten years ago, the Lord of the Rings began filming. I was beyond excited when I saw the movies in the theaters and once the trilogy ended, I only wanted more.

About 5 months ago, a friend of mine and I decided we were going to take a trip. Since we’re, you know, roughly 30 now and living the life of independent wealth and fame that we always imagined, we figured that we’d each pick up extra shifts at the Pepsi distribution center and flower shop that we, respectively, work at to save the money to take a vacation. I mean a real vacation; not to Boca Raton, Florida. As nice as Boca is, neither one of us is much for glittery shirts and the Miami-area lifestyle. We like camping, outdoor adventures, hiking, and seeing as much of the world as possible. Southern Florida along the Atlantic just doesn’t seem too offer too many of those things.

And so my work began… a 50 hour week here, a 65 hour week there. Every extra cent I managed to save went straight into a travel fund. In January, I had enough money to buy a plane ticket anywhere in the world. So, we picked our destination: New Zealand. It has been a dream of mine to visit the Land of the Long White Cloud for years and in just 181 short days, I will leave my beloved Nashville home and travel some 8055 miles across the world to take my dream vacation.

I read the announcement just two days ago that The Hobbit will begin filming in New Zealand in just a few months and that the shoot is expected to last for 10 months or so. Smack dab in the middle of my vacation. Could this be coincidence or super awesome planning by me? Well, it’s one of the two.

I’m sure you get letters and emails all the time from the world at large from folks asking if they can be in movies. “I’m the greatest actor since Bruce Campbell’s debut in ‘The Evil Dead’.” some of the letters must read. Or, “I’m more of a method actor than Method Man was when he was in ‘How High’.” Or, “Jewel recently filmed a video for one of her songs in the flower shop that I work at.” Actually, that last part is part of this letter. She was too good to use the bathroom I cleaned the night before, though. This, however, is not one of, you know, those letters. I’m not an actor and I haven’t been since I played Father Earth in Howell Nazarene Christian School’s production of our Earth Day play some 20 years ago but I am a lifelong hobbit: 5 foot 6, hairy feet, outdoors-y, eats six times a day, looks good in a waist coat. And I’m going to be in New Zealand when the most recent installment in the world of Tolkien is going to be filmed… You see where I’m going with this.

So, here it is: Make me a hobbit on set for one day. I can be anywhere in the country between September 18th and October 1st. I don’t even want a speaking line I just want to be a part of it all and if I got to see myself on screen I wouldn’t complain about that one bit.

And if you can’t do it for me, do it for Zack Lemon.


Stephen Bohn

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