Why I Should be a Hobbit

I wrote and sent this letter to New Line Cinemas (and every other contact email I could find) this afternoon. If you've got the hookup or owe me a favor, now is the time to get in touch with anyone in the biz.


Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

When I was in fifth grade, I had a friend named Zack Lemon. We were ten years old and the only things that we were concerned with that weekend’s basketball game, participating in the book fair, Mrs. Bibbee’s math test, and Heather Brown and why she was in love with Ryan Holmes and not either of us. Neither one of us were terribly popular. Maybe it’s because we spent our time getting into trouble instead of focusing on girls. Maybe it’s because neither one of us were nearly as cool as Ryan Holmes (let alone Paul Frieling). Maybe it’s because we were both too concerned with reading works of fiction and making swords out of discarded pieces of wood. I stand by my decisions though: they’ve gotten me this far in life. Of course, we ended up going to different high schools and eventually lost contact. I’ll give you a moment to recover if you need to. I know I do.

Okay… I’m back.

You can imagine my complete and total amazement especially being such a lover of literature that doesn’t suck (every book written by Michael Crichton, I’m looking at you), when some ten years ago, the Lord of the Rings began filming. I was beyond excited when I saw the movies in the theaters and once the trilogy ended, I only wanted more.

About 5 months ago, a friend of mine and I decided we were going to take a trip. Since we’re, you know, roughly 30 now and living the life of independent wealth and fame that we always imagined, we figured that we’d each pick up extra shifts at the Pepsi distribution center and flower shop that we, respectively, work at to save the money to take a vacation. I mean a real vacation; not to Boca Raton, Florida. As nice as Boca is, neither one of us is much for glittery shirts and the Miami-area lifestyle. We like camping, outdoor adventures, hiking, and seeing as much of the world as possible. Southern Florida along the Atlantic just doesn’t seem too offer too many of those things.

And so my work began… a 50 hour week here, a 65 hour week there. Every extra cent I managed to save went straight into a travel fund. In January, I had enough money to buy a plane ticket anywhere in the world. So, we picked our destination: New Zealand. It has been a dream of mine to visit the Land of the Long White Cloud for years and in just 181 short days, I will leave my beloved Nashville home and travel some 8055 miles across the world to take my dream vacation.

I read the announcement just two days ago that The Hobbit will begin filming in New Zealand in just a few months and that the shoot is expected to last for 10 months or so. Smack dab in the middle of my vacation. Could this be coincidence or super awesome planning by me? Well, it’s one of the two.

I’m sure you get letters and emails all the time from the world at large from folks asking if they can be in movies. “I’m the greatest actor since Bruce Campbell’s debut in ‘The Evil Dead’.” some of the letters must read. Or, “I’m more of a method actor than Method Man was when he was in ‘How High’.” Or, “Jewel recently filmed a video for one of her songs in the flower shop that I work at.” Actually, that last part is part of this letter. She was too good to use the bathroom I cleaned the night before, though. This, however, is not one of, you know, those letters. I’m not an actor and I haven’t been since I played Father Earth in Howell Nazarene Christian School’s production of our Earth Day play some 20 years ago but I am a lifelong hobbit: 5 foot 6, hairy feet, outdoors-y, eats six times a day, looks good in a waist coat. And I’m going to be in New Zealand when the most recent installment in the world of Tolkien is going to be filmed… You see where I’m going with this.

So, here it is: Make me a hobbit on set for one day. I can be anywhere in the country between September 18th and October 1st. I don’t even want a speaking line I just want to be a part of it all and if I got to see myself on screen I wouldn’t complain about that one bit.

And if you can’t do it for me, do it for Zack Lemon.


Cheers,




Stephen Bohn

It's hip to be square

I still think it's hip to be square. Huey Lewis and the News really haven't stood the test of time and not too many people are going to say that they genuinely still like his music... unless you're one of those mustachioed d-bags who ride a tall bike and wear the band's t-shirt ironically. You know who else listened to Huey Lewis a whole bunch? Patrick Bateman, that's right. Life is all about the company you keep, folks. I will temper my hatred for hipsters with a caveat indicating that I on the rare occassion or road trip listen to the band's greatest hits. I also sometimes pretend that I'm Marty McFly. What? Like you don't yell out "88 MILES PER HOUR!" on the freeway.

I received a request yesterday from Natalie to write about my take on this article in the New York Times about how it's hip to be round these days. Seriously. Go read it. I'm gonna go see if I can get a lemonade. I'll be right back.

Okay. I'm back. No lemonade. All they had was that dietsugarfreenofun stuff.

Now, by show of hands from the ladies and gay dudes, how many of you really think a pot belly is sexy on a guy? Be honest. None of this "Oh, I like guys with a little pudge because it's good for cuddling" shit. Leave that at the door. I am going to prove to you all that Guy Trebay (writer of this New York Times article) is full of it. Completely full of it. And I'm going to use movies science to do it. Ready? Here it goes.

Example number one: Boogie Nights. This is one of the best discoveries of science movies ever made. It's funny, it's entertaining, you get to see Heather Graham as God intended her to be seen; it's got everything! What I want to focus on here is Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Betcha didn't see that one coming, did ya? You were all thinking about Marky Mark's funky bunch. Don't lie. But back to PSH for a second. He's chubby, pudgy, portly, and stout. He also dresses like he wants to be hip but fails miserably. You know what happens to him in the movie? He never gets laid and then kills himself. If there's anything that I've learned from Paul Thomas Anderson movies other than everyone in the world is somehow connected and that you should never get between Daniel Day-Lewis and his milkshake, it's that fat dudes don't really do too well with the ladies. And PTA has been nominated for three Oscars® for writing... so he knows something.

Example number two: Han Solo. The smoothest bad ass in all the galaxy. He's a space pirate that plays by his own rules, hangs out with a walking carpet, two asexual robots, and this dude that went on to sling Colt45. And look at him! Not an ounce of fat on his body! And who ends up with Princess Leia at the end of the series? Certainly not her brother pudgy Luke Skywalker. It was the lean, thin, bad mofo. Also, Han knew how to use a lightsaber. Go watch The Empire Strikes Back. It's in the beginning. Oh, and the scientification here? The ships could go light speed and somehow (although this was never explained by George Lucas) had artificial gravity in the vacuum of space. Science fiction = science fact.

Example number three: me. I used to be pretty damn fat. You know how many chicks liked me then? Zero... that I know of. You know how many chicks like me now? Probably the same amount. But I think that's because I went from Dwarf to Hobbit. That's not much of jump in terms of sexiness factor. And also because I talk about Lord of the Rings all the time. And also because I'm going to New Zealand to (among other things) visit Hobbiton. It's almost hard to believe I haven't found any ladies that want to come on this trip, isn't it? That, in science, is what we call an anomaly.

So, Mr. Guy Trebay of The New York Times, go do your research. You've pulled things from such samples as "Brooklyn" and "Brooklyn" (again). I used a dude from the 70's who works on a porn set, a space pirate that owes money to a giant green worm thing, and a guy who works three jobs and lives in Nashville who still ain't gettin' any.

I bet I could kick your ass at Jeopardy!, too.

To the other side of the world

I’ve extended an open invitation to everyone I know to come to Europe with me next year. After some serious initial interest, I’ve come to find out that most of it has been nothing but fevered dreams. That sounded rather heavy and heady but there it remains. The initial fascination with all of the old countries has died down amongst those that seemed most interested in going. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still fired up to go on vacation. That’s a very important word there: vacation.

Over the past few days, I have been thinking about where it is I would really like to go. I’m certainly not the richest man in the world (as a matter of fact, I’m pretty poor) but with working 65 hours some weeks (for example, the one that I am currently smack dab in the middle of) I am socking away more money than I have ever been able to sock away in my life; my stupid AT&T bill not withstanding. I have been, as those of you who know me know, bitten by the travel bug. All I want to do is work so that I can travel. Sure, I’d like to own a home but with what little salary I do make, I’m only going to get financed for the crackiest of crack houses in North Nashville and that’s not something that I’m interested in in the least. I’m gunning for a promotion and a raise here at work, hence the reason that I am wearing a shirt, tie, vest, and sport coat today. Actually, I am wearing those because it felt like a fun thing to do… if only to confuse the boss. I do look mighty handsome, though.

This is the part of my blog where I reel in the rambling. Or at least I pretend to but really don’t.

I have an acquaintance who occasionally works with me at AVOF. Her name is Eden. I highly recommend that you stop reading my ridiculous blog and go visit her photography website. She’s really quite amazing. For those of you who won’t stop reading, I’ll simply say that her photos are out of this world good. She’s clearly been able to visit several places that most of us haven’t and to say that I am envious of her travels would be a massive understatement.

Some of her photos, if you’ll pay close attention, are from New Zealand. How awesome would it be to be able to go there?! I understand it’s like no other country in the world in terms of appearance… not to mention culture. And the Kiwi that lives in the bedroom next to me talks about it quite a bit. Also, there are tour available to visit Hobbiton for about $48. I realize that it’s the fervor and verve that I write with in the previous sentence that may be among the reasons that I am 29 and single. Some things are just more important in life than others.

So… It appears as though plans may have changed some. Let’s be honest… They may have changed significantly, considering that New Zealand is literally the place on the planet that is as far away from Europe as one can be without making their way back.

I’m still budgeting the same amount and I’m still way ahead of my pace for saving… If I’m gonna go somewhere, I might as well go.