Thursday, February 25, 2010

It's hip to be square

I still think it's hip to be square. Huey Lewis and the News really haven't stood the test of time and not too many people are going to say that they genuinely still like his music... unless you're one of those mustachioed d-bags who ride a tall bike and wear the band's t-shirt ironically. You know who else listened to Huey Lewis a whole bunch? Patrick Bateman, that's right. Life is all about the company you keep, folks. I will temper my hatred for hipsters with a caveat indicating that I on the rare occassion or road trip listen to the band's greatest hits. I also sometimes pretend that I'm Marty McFly. What? Like you don't yell out "88 MILES PER HOUR!" on the freeway.

I received a request yesterday from Natalie to write about my take on this article in the New York Times about how it's hip to be round these days. Seriously. Go read it. I'm gonna go see if I can get a lemonade. I'll be right back.

Okay. I'm back. No lemonade. All they had was that dietsugarfreenofun stuff.

Now, by show of hands from the ladies and gay dudes, how many of you really think a pot belly is sexy on a guy? Be honest. None of this "Oh, I like guys with a little pudge because it's good for cuddling" shit. Leave that at the door. I am going to prove to you all that Guy Trebay (writer of this New York Times article) is full of it. Completely full of it. And I'm going to use movies science to do it. Ready? Here it goes.

Example number one: Boogie Nights. This is one of the best discoveries of science movies ever made. It's funny, it's entertaining, you get to see Heather Graham as God intended her to be seen; it's got everything! What I want to focus on here is Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Betcha didn't see that one coming, did ya? You were all thinking about Marky Mark's funky bunch. Don't lie. But back to PSH for a second. He's chubby, pudgy, portly, and stout. He also dresses like he wants to be hip but fails miserably. You know what happens to him in the movie? He never gets laid and then kills himself. If there's anything that I've learned from Paul Thomas Anderson movies other than everyone in the world is somehow connected and that you should never get between Daniel Day-Lewis and his milkshake, it's that fat dudes don't really do too well with the ladies. And PTA has been nominated for three Oscars® for writing... so he knows something.

Example number two: Han Solo. The smoothest bad ass in all the galaxy. He's a space pirate that plays by his own rules, hangs out with a walking carpet, two asexual robots, and this dude that went on to sling Colt45. And look at him! Not an ounce of fat on his body! And who ends up with Princess Leia at the end of the series? Certainly not her brother pudgy Luke Skywalker. It was the lean, thin, bad mofo. Also, Han knew how to use a lightsaber. Go watch The Empire Strikes Back. It's in the beginning. Oh, and the scientification here? The ships could go light speed and somehow (although this was never explained by George Lucas) had artificial gravity in the vacuum of space. Science fiction = science fact.

Example number three: me. I used to be pretty damn fat. You know how many chicks liked me then? Zero... that I know of. You know how many chicks like me now? Probably the same amount. But I think that's because I went from Dwarf to Hobbit. That's not much of jump in terms of sexiness factor. And also because I talk about Lord of the Rings all the time. And also because I'm going to New Zealand to (among other things) visit Hobbiton. It's almost hard to believe I haven't found any ladies that want to come on this trip, isn't it? That, in science, is what we call an anomaly.

So, Mr. Guy Trebay of The New York Times, go do your research. You've pulled things from such samples as "Brooklyn" and "Brooklyn" (again). I used a dude from the 70's who works on a porn set, a space pirate that owes money to a giant green worm thing, and a guy who works three jobs and lives in Nashville who still ain't gettin' any.

I bet I could kick your ass at Jeopardy!, too.


  1. As a "the ladies" representative, I would like to agree that pot bellies are not sexy. But neither are stinky armpits, dirty socks, or ball scratching. But the ladies can tolerate all of the above with a man who makes them laugh.

    In fact, statistics that I just made up show that 90% of women rank humor as one of the most important features a man can possess.

    So while I completely agree that hipsters viewing the pot belly as a trend is beyond stupid, (or I wouldn't have sent you the article) I have to give hope to all pudgy men and perspective to all worthwhile ladies.

    Pot bellies come and go, but a partner with a sense of humor is an endless gift and a comfort. And hell, while I'm at it, the funny guys are probably better lovers. There, I said it.

  2. Wasn't it Billy D Williams that slung the Colt 45? I'm almost certain of that. If Han Solo was drinking colt 45's... I don't know how he ever hooked up with Princess Leila.

  3. Pot bellies will never be sexy on anyone. But, men are still held to a lesser general/public standard of physical fitness than women. The ratio of fit women to fit dudes is ridiculous.

  4. It was Lando slung the Colt45. Click on the link, homegirl. If Leia would have been drinking the brew she may have hooked up with anyone. It's called "slummin' it" and it happens from time to time.

    By the way, Mr. Guy Trebay, TWO women from NEW YORK have now said that pot bellies are not sexy.


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