Have you seen a Boner lately?

Bohn. I have what many people would consider to be an unfortunate-sounding last name. Not "bahn" but "bone". It's something that sort of bothered me in high school (as if being 15 years old wasn't awkward enough) and when 1000 people know you because they know your last name, life's awkward level went to 11. Most of us remember what it was like to be that age. If you are not at least 15, you should probably stop reading this blog right now. I am going to work plenty of innuendo into this entry.

As I grew bigger, I became more comfortable in my own skin. The "Bohner" nickname didn't phase me at all and by the time I got done with high school, no one called me that any more. It was a blessing to have finally shed that moniker which had saddled me for so long. Every once in a while an acquaintance from school will contact me on facebook and greet me with said name. Through the past, darkly, as it were. It doesn't happen very often but it's a trip down memory lane when it does. The "Bohner" nickname... I just can't hide it like I was smuggling something in the waistband of my sweatpants.

We are still in the midst of the Winter Olympics, still chanting "USA! USA! USA!" when ice dancing [how the hell this is a sport is beyond me - Vic probably likes it, though, just like he likes the biathlon] is on. We are all captivated by the dudes who wear blue jeans and are called athletes when all they want to do is smoke weed, eat Honey Nut Cheerios, and talk about the latest (oh, what the devil do punk rock kids listen to these days?) Forever the Sickest Kids record snowboarders and their sick Supersquirrel move. Yes, that really is a move. 'Cause nothing quite says "spirit of the games" like a Supersquirrel. But snowboarding terminology aside, we've got a bit of a mess on our hands. We're missing a Boner.

That's right, Andrew Koenig, 'star' of TV's Growing Pains in the late 80's and early 90's is missing from his recent jaunt to the Olympics in Vancouver. In all honesty, I didn't even know who he was until I went to Google's News page this morning and saw Boner's story sprayed all over the web page. If you do an image search for this guy, you're gonna get a dude that looks like this:

This guy reminds me of a dude who probably still likes watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons. So, not entirely unlike myself except for he has a sweet hairline. I doubt, though, that anyone is going to put up roadblocks looking for this dude. Frankly, if it weren't for his character's unfortunate name, I probably wouldn't remember who he was is and neither would you.

Is this what the media has come to: writing stories abouit bit players on bit tv shows from 20 years ago? It's like what would we do if we all suddenly discovered that Alex Cord who played Archangel on Airwolf had become a recluse and gone into hiding. We'd probably start humming the theme song and go watch some episodes online. At least that's what I'd do.

In the annals of secondary TV characters, Boner really leaves us stranded on second base. I concede, though, that some of the headlines (especially this one from today's USA Today) are exceptionally funny... if a bit misleading. If Boner is missing in Vancouver, well, then, you know he's in Vancouver. I've got a feeling Boner will pop back up sooner or later though. And besides, it's not like the world has lost Shawn Harrison who portrayed Waldo Geraldo Faldo on Family Matters all those years ago. Can you just imagine the headline and subsequent website for what I am sure would be a world wide manhunt?! Wait... you say there's already something called "Where's Waldo?" Aw... crap.

Mr. Koenig, if you happen to be reading this (and according to the analytics enterprise I use about 2% of my readership comes from Canada so it is entirely possible), please come out of hiding. You seem like a nice and talented member of the community. I don't know if you're sad or lonely or depressed or whatever the case may be but there are plenty of women in the world who would love to meet Boner. I'm convinced of it. And if they want to meet you, they should certainly want to meet this Bohner -- at least with me they know they're not gonna get some fading star who has run away to Canada.