Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Owen Sixteen

It's finally September. It was yesterday, too, I know but I was (rather, am) far too stressed about my paycheck being 5 days late now to worry about it then. Nonetheless, it is still September. A time when a young man's thoughts turn piles of leaves, coeds rooting for their boyfriend's favorite and decidedly OVERRATED SEC team, and Sam's in Hillsboro village being far too full all weekend long.

But speaking of football, I am very excited about the upcoming seasons: pro and college. Sure, I've been spoiled by having gone to the greatest university in all the land: their academic and athletic prowess knowing no bounds (last season's 3-9 football team not withstanding). I've expected nothing less than excellence from the ol' Maize and Blue and they've almost always delivered.

My beloved Detroit Lions, on the other hand...

Yes, folks, I am a Lions fan. I have been ever since I was old enough to play football in my parents' basement much to their chagrin. I've watched more games and thrown more pretzels at the television than I care to count. I've let fly a string of blue words that would make even the most hearty of sailors turn and hide his head in shame. Or at least pat me on the back and say something about the sea and how she is a cruel mistress. Cruel as the ocean may be, she's never treated me as poorly as my Lions. At least when you go to the beach, there are going to be girls running around in bikinis and drinking ice cold Coors Light.


And you probably won't see that at a Lions' game. If some woman started running around in a bikini, I'd probably start wondering what kind of drugs she was taking. And then I'd remember the time that I had my wisdom teeth pulled out and the doctor gave me some drugs. And then I'd start thinking about how I ventured out of my bedroom while on said medication and saw a giant purple dragon flying down the hallway towards me which, subsequently, caused me to lock my door for the next three days and not emerge until I had to go back to school. That was the best visit to a maxillofacial surgeon ever.

But back to the Lions.

I've never seen anything more ineptly run than that franchise:

-- They've won ONE playoff game in the past 50 years. Yup... ONE. That equals the same amount of drinks that I bought for a woman at the bar last night only to have her tell me "I love you, Peanut! Peanut! I love you!!!" and then turn around and start talking to some other dude and not say anything else to me the rest of the night.

-- Their colors are Honolulu Blue and Silver. I don't know what the hell Honolulu has to do with the color blue (and to an even lesser extent, the city of Detroit) but that doesn't exactly strike the fear of God into any opponents, does it? That is, of course, unless the opponents had a rather severe case of cyanophobia. If so, everything would be going to plan. I am currently unaware of any professional football player with this condition.

-- Their last few first draft picks by position starting with the most recent year and working backwards are as follows: quarterback, offensive tackle, wide receiver, linebacker, wide receiver, wide receiver, wide receiver, quarterback, offensive tackle, offensive tackle. If you can count to the number "1" and I'm assuming that you can, you'll deftly notice that there is exactly that many of defensive players chosen by the KittyKats Lions in their recent history. What's the old sports adage again? Offense wins games, defense wins championships...

--...Unless of course you were on last year's team and finished with the worst single season record in the history of American professional sports. Ironically, they finished the preseason undefeated. Shut up... It's the little things that get me through the day.

Here's the rub: They can't be any worse this year than the were last year. It's absolutely impossible. I'm hoping for some sort of Disney-like magic to help the Lions get over that hump and maybe even win a game or two. Hell, with Disney acquiring Marvel this week and still being into all things "schmaltz", they might be able to throw Captain America our way. Or, at the very least, Captain Americana. "What? I'm sorry! I thought this was America!"

We Lions' fans don't ask for much. We aren't even asking for respectability. We're not asking for a first class ticket to the Super Bowl® and we certainly don't believe we'll see our beloved team get there anytime soon. All we want is one win. Just one damn win. And maybe wasting our number one pick on another offensive player next year. But we'll worry about that next April.

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