Dear AT&T

Dear AT&T,

My account is not past due. It never has been. Please see to it that you reconnect my service immediately. Oh, wait... You can't? Then what good are you?

Sure, you've got the iPhone. It's (sort of) the only network that it will work on. Sure, I've got the iPhone. It's not everything that it's cracked up to be folks. It's like a blackberry with much worse email connectivity and a touchscreen. Sure, having iTunes on it is nice and all. But I've never noticed any massive improvements of one over the other.

As I was sitting at my desk this morning, getting ready to check my email on my phone (gmail is blocked here, yo!), I received a "No internet connection" message on my screen. I thought that this was a bit odd considering that I just sent in my payment of last month's full total (plus an extra $20.00 to credit to my account) which was received and credited to said account. I know... I checked online. I figured that maybe you were experiencing some network issues, what with the storms outside and all. I simply turned off my phone and turned it back on again which, as I'm sure you know with the iPhone, takes about 7 minutes. That function is slower than all get out. Upon turning my iPhone back on, waiting a few seconds, and checking my email again, I received the same "No internet connection" message.


Perplexed, I called your handy-dandy toll free from my phone. This was met with an automated message that announced "Your account has been temporarily suspended due to lack of payment."

Hulk. MAD!

So, I did what anyone would do... I got on my work phone and called that same number. I spoke with a CSR who, much like the automated message I had heard previously, informed me that my account is $414.24 past due.

Let me write that out for you:
Four hundred fourteen dollars and twenty four cents.


Do you realize what kind of money that is? Not to just me but to anyone? That's some serious change. That's the kind of money that stands between me and about 5 kegs of Yuengling. And that includes the deposit on all the kegs. Not that I would ever need that much beer in the near future... unless Tom Petty or someone decided to randomly throw a concert in my back yard. I would be completely cool with that. He could play "Walls" about 17 times in a row, call it a night and I'd be okay with it.

What if I have an emergency today? What if, on these rain-slicked roads full of Nashville drivers who are among the worst in the land, I get into a collision and need to call 911 and I can't? What if, God forbid, my beloved dog Sam dies? He's nearly fifteen years old and isn't in the best of health these days. If I find out he dies four days after the fact because you can't figure out how to turn my phone back on, I'm going to be very mad. Even more mad than my reference to The Incredible Hulk up above. Hmm... That would be a cool name for God, I think: "Dear, The Incredible Hulk... Thank you for this bounty and these, thy blessings, and so on and so forth..." But back to Sam the dog. I hope news of this atrocious customer service does not reach his little Shih Tzuian ears. Poor little fella might have a heart attack and die. Of course, I wouldn't know about it for several days after the fact when my mom sends me an email that I read and start bawling like a boy who just lost his dog. Which I would be.


So, AT&T, get this fixed. Right now. Otherwise, you'll just be a bunch of puppy killers.

Sincerely,

Stephen P Bohn