Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Keep it... I've got a Pitbull now!

I was driving home last night from job number two and a half (I now have a vested interest in keeping score at bar trivia nights - free pints, free french fries, twenty bucks) and was headed north on I-65. You may be wondering what exactly I was doing on that particular stretch of interstate when the easiest and quickest way for me to get home is Ellington. It's called 'not paying attention' and that's exactly what I was or, rather, was not doing. In fact, I didn't even realize it until I got to about Trinity Lane or so. This proved both tempting and problematic. Tempting because every time I drive down Trinity Lane I want to stop at Checker's/Rally's and buy a Buffalo Chicken Sandwich for $1. Problematic because I knew if I did get off the freeway that I would go get said sandwhich and invariably have dreams about being chased through a forrest by Foghorn Leghorn while carrying a spatula in one hand and the keys to a 1974 Chevy Nova in the other. I mean, stranger things have happened.

However, had I not been a dunderhead and missed my exit, I would not have seen a billboard which has inspired this entry. Call it providence 'cause I'm inspired.

The billboard of which I speak was for a local radio station in town. I think it calls itself "The Party". It plays 'party' music. You know... Like "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus and "Rock the Party" by P.O.D. and "Party all the Time" by Eddie Murphy and so on and so forth. Really, though, it only plays the first of the aforementioned artists as indicated by the three other artists on the billboard:

(A highly airbrushed) Kelly Clarkson,
Daughtry, and

I have no idea Pitbull is. How he got on a billboard is even further beyond me. I'm pretty up on my shit, too, so I figured I'd have heard of him.

After thinking "Who the hell is this dude?" I ran through the veritable encyclopedia in my head of things that have to do with pitbulls.

Entry number one: Griff Tannen's Pitbull Hoverboard from Back to the Future 2. [Gee, thanks for watermarking the hell out of that picture. I'm specifically not directing readers to your site because of it.] That thing was bad ass. I actually always wanted one. As a matter of fact, my Uncle Mike promised me one for Christmas in 1989. Twenty years and exactly zero Pitbull hoverboards later, I am still waiting. A good thing to be associated with; way to go Mr. Pitbull!

Entry number two: Michael Vick. This seemed unlikely that the shitty noted quarterback and a burgeoning rapper might some how be connected. I googled it. They're not.

Entry number three: I don't have an entry number three.

So, I got to work today, where all of my good internet research is done, and looked up this Pitbull dude. He sucks. The last time someone tried to rap about Miami, we got this which turned out to be as dangerous as a buffalo chicken sandwich from Checker's/Rally's.

Then it all became clear. I knew where I had seen this Pitbull fella before: he was making those awesome buffalo chicken sandwiches at Checker's/Rally's!!! Seriously. Look at this guy! He's a damn paper hat away from slingin' some chili fries in my direction. And he's a music star?!
Whatever happened to a little image? A little pizzaz? A little *oomph*? I want artists to look like they care about what they look like... Not like Dr. Evil with a goatee. I want artists that have a little pride in themselves. I don't want to listen to some dude rap about beachfront property and a weak ass football team. Nobody wants that.
And there he was... billboardin' it up.

I do take solace in one tiny little thing: the fact that I make as little money as I do with my two and a half jobs is tempered by the fact that Pitbull is a mere paternity suit away from working until 11 o'clock at night the rest of his life and asking me if I want my fries "loaded".

Ladies of Miami, you have a job to do.

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