Thursday, April 19, 2012

Juan Valdez, Shakira, Coffee and other stuff from Mexico

For the past three months, I have been working on a software implementation project at work. I am by no means a project manager. I am also by no means a software implementor. I just happen to have those skill sets. I'm just some dude who is pretty good at spreadsheets and really good at human resources. As such, I have had many early mornings at work over these past three months -- some days arriving as 3:00 in the morning.

Read that last part again. 3:00 in the morning.

I haven't had much time to blog lately as the 6 (six) of you who read this thing can tell. I'm usually pretty exhausted and my brain is pretty fried by the time that I get home from work that I eat dinner, drink a beer, and fall asleep watching hockey. It's like I'm married but without the companionship or sex. Actually... it IS like I'm married.

You may be reading this and thinking, "Wait... It's 8 something in the morning on a Thursday. Why is peanutisawesome blogging? Did he lose his job?" The answer is no, I did not. I am off for vacation for the next few days and my laundry takes time to dry. I tried to use magic on it but it didn't work.

Anyway, for the past 6 1/2 years, I haven't drank caffeine. Well, I take that back. I can count on one hand the number of times that I have drank caffeine in the past 6 1/2 years. And none of these 3:00am starts at work were among those times that I drank caffeine. I know I'm impressive.

In the world of dating (so I'm told), men often take women out for coffee as a first date. Coffee and all of those machiattoespressolattezombiemutantlibertarianintellegnsia drinks all seem to have caffeine in them. So now I'm double screwed. But what really grinds my gears is the baristas.

Wait. What?

Yes, the baristas.

Now, since I know nothing about the world of hot caffeinated beverages, I am going to make some broad, wildly sweeping generalizations across the board that are based on nothing but pure emotion and entertainment.

First of all: Look at this asshat.

Secondly, when in the hell did barista become a respected and honored occupation? I'm certainly not trying to belittle a person who has that position, I'm simply trying to belittle the position itself. And, yes, based on the list of jobs that I have held (in either a part- or full-time capacity) that I am about to list, I feel that I am fully capable of passing judgment:
- HRIS Analyst
- Freelance Sticker and Bookmark Cutter Outer
- Executive Recruiter
- Employee Resource Specialist
- Flower Delivery Driver
- Bar Trivia Question Writer & Host
- Pizza Delivery Driver
- Window Washer
- HR Administrator
- Shoe Salesman
- Taco Bell Crew Member (Employee of the Month, September 1997, Howell, Michigan)
- Pizza Restaurant Cook and Dishwasher (unrelated to the Pizza Delivery Driver position mentioned above)
I think that covers it. My point here is none of these positions has ever been revered and as well thought of as a barista. Some of them have even paid pretty well. Some of them even allowed me to, if I could afford it and if I could make it happen, take a girl out for a cup of coffee to be served to us by the aforementioned barista.

Third. Dude. It's coffee. Mexico has a shit ton of it. I know because dudes with mustaches and donkeys pick the beans and then gringos are like, "Hey, I won a contest! Give me all of the coffee beans!"Colombia is part of Mexico, right? Oh, shit! Colombia is where Shakira is from! I'm an idiot. To make it up to you, here is a picture of Shakira holding an apple while being attacked by a BabyTree.

Maybe, though, that I just don't get it. And that's usually the case.

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