Saturday, September 10, 2011

The thing about Adele is...

Quick. Stop and think about the most divisive thing that you can think about. There are likely to be several standard answers:
  • Religion
  • Money
  • Whether or not it's okay to drink alcohol (it is)
  • Politics
  • Politics 2: Obama Bugaloo
  • The list could go on and on. And on. And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

    There's a movie that came out years ago called What About Bob?. It's sheer piece of genius and
    was released before we all realized how awesome of an actor Bill Murray really is. In that movie, Bob Wiley (Bill Murray's character) says a line akin to the following:
    "There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who love Neil Diamond and those who don't. My ex-wife loved him."
    Okay, so not akin. That's exactly what he says.

    But it's true. And the more someone hangs out in Nashville (because all I do is hang out everywhere all the time sit at home in my shorts) the more likely they are to get infuriated with someone else's musical tastes. By the way, my musical tastes pretty much suck so I can make claims like this. I mean, at what point in time does genuinely liking Air Supply no longer not count as a guilty pleasure and just become genuinely liking Air Supply? Whatever that point is... that's where I am.

    Bearing all of the above in mind (especially the GIF of the Prez dancing), I submit to the three of you who read this that Bob Wiley was really onto something. But in order to raise my readership from three to perhaps four or even five (*gasp!) people, I'm gonna bring this shit up-to-speed. Ladies and gentlemen (but especially ladies because all of you dames seem to like her), I submit to you the most divisive, polarizing, splitting-uppiest figure in music today:
    Adele. If you don't feel like watching the video, turn on your radio and wait about 20 minutes. You'll hear the song.

    Now before you ladies guys hang me let me say that this broad can WAIL. Seriously. Pipes for days. A voice we haven't heard since... dare I say it? Aretha Franklin.

    But let's dissect this song for a second. Or two. Or however long it takes me to finish writing.
    Chick meets boy, boy dumps chick, chick pines for boy for the next four minutes of the song.
    That's it. Actually, that was pretty quick.

    What pisses me off about this song, and Adele in general, is that every single one of her songs is exactly the same. It's like a remix CD of that "Macaroni" song or whatever it's called... You know... The one with the dancing and shit? But beyond the theme of her latest record I'd like to think that Adele is probably some murderous stalker. I used strikethrough so I can't get in trouble for libel. It's true. Look it up.

    Follow me the analysis of the chorus:
  • "Never mind I'll find someone like you." = "I've done this before."
  • "I wish nothing but the best for you, too." = "I hate you and I'm gonna kill you while you sleep."
  • "Don't forget me, I begged, I remember what you said." = "I recall everything you did, every trip we took, every date we went on, every time we talked about soccer football and even have a doll made out of your hair that I keep in a shrine that I made for you in my closet."
  • "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead" = "Remember 6 seconds ago when I sang about killing you? I'm still going to do it and it's not going to feel very good... MUCH LIKE WHAT YOU DID TO MY HEART YOU DUMB STUPID MAN!"

  • And that's just her current hit single. Can you imagine what the rest of the album including the deep cuts (see what I did there?) sound like? Yes, you can. Because they all sound like that.

    I don't know anything about the music industry. I don't know how to make money in/off it but I never really tried to in my defense. I don't know anything about writing a hit song except for that the I-VI-IV-V chord progression still sounds really good. Hell, I don't even know if I have clean socks to wear today.

    So, in closing, I hope we have learned that dating Adele would probably be a bad idea because if you break up with her she may shoot you out of a cannon. She's got money. She can probably afford to do that sort of thing. I heard that she is also moving to Nashville. I'm staying away.

    Man, I want some pancakes.

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