Monday, November 29, 2010

Homemade Colonoscopy

Two and a half weeks ago, I embarked on an epic journey. No, I didn't get on a flight and travel several hundreds/thousands of miles to some exotic destination although I will be visiting the lovely Detroit, Michigan, area in a few weeks for Christmas. Well, that and to see how much it really resembles The Road these days. I hear it's getting there. I really do. As long as I don't resort to cannibalism or end up getting really excited about pop (NOT Coke) , I'll probably be okay. No, this was something that I had semi-entertained the idea of doing for almost five years... From back in the days when I worked at Harpeth Financial Services, most notably during tax season. That's right. An "all natural cleanse". 'Cause what goes better with tax season than running to the bathroom 9 times a day? Nothing, that's right.

I went up to Kroger and bought the usual: toothpaste, toilet paper, Ramen noodles that won't get eaten for many months, and some fresh fruit which always gets eaten way too quickly. And, as I made my way over to the health and incontinence aisle for some cough syrup, I picked up this little guy right here:
The Mega-T Total Cleanse. I know, I know, I know what you're all thinking:
1.) That's stuff has gotta be a scam!
2.) That stuff is awesome!
Basically, it's both.

Now, according to some studies that I just made up, the human body needs to be cleansed every few months. That's why old dudes get colonoscopies. Tell me I'm wrong. I dare you. I figure that since I'm a man ahead of my time, I might as well get a jump on things 20 years before I really need one. But the image of the thin, long-legged blonde on the box jumping for joy with what must be a cleaned out intestine was enough to sell me on this so I bought it and, dear Lord, did I ever pay for it for the first few days. It was a good thing I bought all that toilet paper.

So here's my final product review:
Yes, it cleans out your intestines. Yes, as a result, you lose weight. No, it does not turn you into an exuberant athletic blonde woman.

I don't plan on doing this cleanse again anytime soon. I was happier with my 11 dollars.


  1. Colonoscopies are video cameras put into your butt to inspect the large intestine... not a cleanse.

  2. Just do a Fleets Enema. Easy and is over in about 30 minutes. Trust me. I know.

  3. Yeah... not Colonoscopies -- colonics.

  4. Young dudes also get colonoscopies. Sonic colonic.
    And dudes have to get a prescription laxative... and drink lots of it until dudes basically are shitting water.
    The upside is that the hospital people give you lots of drugs so you don't know what the hell is going on when they shove the camera up your ass.

  5. 1.) I dream on a budget.
    2.) I said the word "homemade".
    3.) Do I really ever know what I'm talking about anyway?

  6. haha. I thought this was great. I knew you didn't mean a REAL colonoscopy since you can't give yourself one at home, but the process of what one may have to do before hand (i know i've done the real oscopy and a cleanse). SO I am proud that you attempted it, the lemonaid cleanse I did last year was brutal and I only made 7.5 days of the 10 days. I too have no future plans to do that again...may try something else next time.


pull the mctrigger