Tuesday, June 22, 2010

FIFA World Cup suggestions, Or Why I Almost Always Fall Asleep the Game is on

Soccer is not the most interesting sport. Zero-zero ties? Phh... Hardly.

My critics will argue that it's "the glorious game". I'll argue that argument. Ties are about as exciting as a full price weeknight at the bar. Tell me I'm wrong. I dare you. So, in order to jazz up the game, I've come up with a few ideas.

#1.) Land mines. Can you imagine how little hooting and hollering and rolling around on the ground like a little crybaby there would be if there was the imminent danger of explosion? I can only imagine that it would all be but eliminated. Besides, when was the last time you saw a hockey player doing that acting after taking a check that didn't involve unconsciousness or losing teeth? Go getchu on some google and let me know what you find. Yeah... that's what I thought.

#2.) Make the nets bigger. This is an easy and obvious suggestion. Some of you might argue for the removal of goalies but since most of these world class athletes aren't ever close to putting the ball near the net, I'd so the goalies are second on this list. If fans want to see THREE goals in a game by one side, we could do both of these things but let's not confuse the South Americans and Europeans too much just yet.

#3.) Halftime shows. This works like Gang Busters here in the States. For example, at the Super Bowl a few months ago, we (The U.S.A., that is) had The Who play. That merited talk on both sports and entertainment shows -- that's free advertising, folks. Also, nothing quite screams "American sports!" quite like a bunch of 60-something dudes from England. I know that sounds like I'm killing my argument but remember how long people were talking about Bruce Springsteen's crotch slide into the camera or the infamous "wardrobe malfunction" of 2004? Yeah... think about that, FIFA.

#4.) More Keira Knightley. She could sell tons of tickets and would instantly cease my complaining. She made Bend it like Beckham tolerable.

#5.) Speaking of Beckham... More of that Posh Spice chick.

#6.) Jetpacks. This would instantly make the game more like The Rocketeer. I fail to see a flaw with this plan at all. I've yet to meet a problem that Jennifer Connelly can't solve.

See? All that, and I haven't even broken a sweat. Just like those dudes jogging on the grass and playing kickball. Okay, some of them do... but only because they look like hippies and don't know how to grow a beard but just that little stubbly looking thing that's so fashionable these days.

So, soccer, get with it. Be progressive. Change the rules. Take my suggestions. Maybe add those land mines.

1 comment:

  1. I've come to the conclusion that soccer just isn't an American sport. This is not a criticism directed towards you at all, but I've grown tired of the struggle to convince an American audience that soccer is cool. Ties don't fly in American sports, even when a zero-zero tie can still be full of drama and heart, but us bottom-line Americans aren't satisfied unless there's a winner. I accept that about our culture. I say let the world have soccer the way they want it. We can join in if we want to, but if we do, let's quit complaining.

    As for those dives and faked injuries... that's a different story. Get up and play you overpaid pansies.

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