Tropical BlackBerry Storm Melissa

I was sitting here in my cube, minding my own business and googling my name. It's Friday, it's kind of slow, and I like a good ego stroke every now and again. When in walked Melissa, who (as you'll see) is perfectly capable and mobile. I've never met her in my life and I hope I don't ever meet her again.

She seemed perfectly nice at first. Well dressed. Professional. Probably makes six figures. Thinks the world of John and Kate Gosselin really does matter. Nothing terribly offensive about her. 'Cept maybe the last thing. Then again, Colby Pitts liked that John and Kate Plus 8 show and I think he's super awesome.

Melissa enters my cube, stage left.
Melissa: Hi!
Me: Hi! What can I do for you?
Melissa: Well.. Is this human resources?
Me: In a manner of speaking, yes. We work with HR. Is there something I can help you with?
Melissa: Well, I'm looking for an employee. Her name is Geetha. She works in IT. She's supposed to help me with my BlackBerry.
Me: Sure, I can point you in the right direction. Lemme look her up. [Goes into my Outlook Address book and find Geetha's location in about 4 seconds. Very difficult, I know].
Melissa: [Slightly embarrassed] Well, I coulda done that!
Me: Hey, no problem at all...
Melissa: Can we call her just so I can be sure I can find her?
Me: Yeah. [Dials number on speaker phone]
Geetha: Hi, this is Geetha.
Me: Hi, Geetha, this is Stephen in the ERC, and I've got an employee that's looking for you.
Geetha: Oh, is it Melissa?
Melissa: [Goes from zero to bitch in .13 seconds] YEAH.
Geetha: Okay, I'm on the first floor of the 618 building, right when you walk in the main entrance, on the right.
Melissa: WHERE IS THAT?
Geetha: On the first floor of the 618 building. Where are you?
Melissa: WHERE IS THAT?
Geetha: Melissa, it's on the first floor of the 618 building. Go out the front door of 648, turn left, go to the next building and there it is.
Melissa: WHAT FLOOR ARE YOU ON?!
[By this point in time the entire office has stood up from their cubicles and is looking in my direction like I've just told this woman that I've killed her cat, Mr. Fluffer Mittens. I hadn't.]
Geetha: [Becoming increasingly perturbed with Melissa] Well, there's only one floor in the 618 building, so I'd say... First?
Melissa: YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THIS BUILDING?
Geetha: Nooo... I sent you that in an email.
Me: [Entirely amused but is now leaning back in my chair holding onto my iPhone for dear life 'cause I know what's coming]
Melissa: [Throws BlackBerry with surprising force against my desk causing it to shatter into several pieces. Proceeds to pick up receiver of my desk phone and slam it down.]
Me: Well... Umm...
Melissa: [Still yelling] THIS IS THE MOST RETARDED THING EVER! WELL, NOW WHO DO I SEE ABOUT GETTING A NEW BLACKBERRY?!
Me: I dunno... Geetha, maybe?
Melissa: [Picks up pieces of BlackBerry and storms out]

As I was writing this entry, Melissa came back and apologized. Too late, lady. The words have been set and I'm too lazy to backspace.