Why I Should be a Hobbit

I wrote and sent this letter to New Line Cinemas (and every other contact email I could find) this afternoon. If you've got the hookup or owe me a favor, now is the time to get in touch with anyone in the biz.


Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

When I was in fifth grade, I had a friend named Zack Lemon. We were ten years old and the only things that we were concerned with that weekend’s basketball game, participating in the book fair, Mrs. Bibbee’s math test, and Heather Brown and why she was in love with Ryan Holmes and not either of us. Neither one of us were terribly popular. Maybe it’s because we spent our time getting into trouble instead of focusing on girls. Maybe it’s because neither one of us were nearly as cool as Ryan Holmes (let alone Paul Frieling). Maybe it’s because we were both too concerned with reading works of fiction and making swords out of discarded pieces of wood. I stand by my decisions though: they’ve gotten me this far in life. Of course, we ended up going to different high schools and eventually lost contact. I’ll give you a moment to recover if you need to. I know I do.

Okay… I’m back.

You can imagine my complete and total amazement especially being such a lover of literature that doesn’t suck (every book written by Michael Crichton, I’m looking at you), when some ten years ago, the Lord of the Rings began filming. I was beyond excited when I saw the movies in the theaters and once the trilogy ended, I only wanted more.

About 5 months ago, a friend of mine and I decided we were going to take a trip. Since we’re, you know, roughly 30 now and living the life of independent wealth and fame that we always imagined, we figured that we’d each pick up extra shifts at the Pepsi distribution center and flower shop that we, respectively, work at to save the money to take a vacation. I mean a real vacation; not to Boca Raton, Florida. As nice as Boca is, neither one of us is much for glittery shirts and the Miami-area lifestyle. We like camping, outdoor adventures, hiking, and seeing as much of the world as possible. Southern Florida along the Atlantic just doesn’t seem too offer too many of those things.

And so my work began… a 50 hour week here, a 65 hour week there. Every extra cent I managed to save went straight into a travel fund. In January, I had enough money to buy a plane ticket anywhere in the world. So, we picked our destination: New Zealand. It has been a dream of mine to visit the Land of the Long White Cloud for years and in just 181 short days, I will leave my beloved Nashville home and travel some 8055 miles across the world to take my dream vacation.

I read the announcement just two days ago that The Hobbit will begin filming in New Zealand in just a few months and that the shoot is expected to last for 10 months or so. Smack dab in the middle of my vacation. Could this be coincidence or super awesome planning by me? Well, it’s one of the two.

I’m sure you get letters and emails all the time from the world at large from folks asking if they can be in movies. “I’m the greatest actor since Bruce Campbell’s debut in ‘The Evil Dead’.” some of the letters must read. Or, “I’m more of a method actor than Method Man was when he was in ‘How High’.” Or, “Jewel recently filmed a video for one of her songs in the flower shop that I work at.” Actually, that last part is part of this letter. She was too good to use the bathroom I cleaned the night before, though. This, however, is not one of, you know, those letters. I’m not an actor and I haven’t been since I played Father Earth in Howell Nazarene Christian School’s production of our Earth Day play some 20 years ago but I am a lifelong hobbit: 5 foot 6, hairy feet, outdoors-y, eats six times a day, looks good in a waist coat. And I’m going to be in New Zealand when the most recent installment in the world of Tolkien is going to be filmed… You see where I’m going with this.

So, here it is: Make me a hobbit on set for one day. I can be anywhere in the country between September 18th and October 1st. I don’t even want a speaking line I just want to be a part of it all and if I got to see myself on screen I wouldn’t complain about that one bit.

And if you can’t do it for me, do it for Zack Lemon.


Cheers,




Stephen Bohn

I am (still) inspirational

About 5 weeks ago, I wrote this entry about how inspirational I am to the Nashville music community. About how pop darlings Ke$ha, Taylor Swift, and Jewel really are in love like with me and how I've inspired some of their songs. Like this one. And this one. I don't remember what Jewel had to do with lyrics involving my name but she is fun to look at and also shot a video for one of her songs at the greatest flower shop in all the land which I think was the catalyst for the entry. It's the first song that I want to focus on today.

As I was sitting in my cube this morning, thinking about my upcoming week, I got a message on facebook from someone I don't think that I've ever met before. I'm usually pretty awful with names unless it happens to be a particularly good looking women and then I'm pretty spot on. That's not at all strange how that works, is it? Oh, yes... The message:

If you can't read it, it reads as follows:
sorry to interrupt you! I just wanna know: are u that stephen kesha wrote a song about? that would be soo cool!

xoxo

julia

If you've taken the time to read through Ke$ha's lyrics for said song (and I'm sure that you have), you would have noticed some of the lines:
"I saw you in your tight ass rocker pants" and
"And I watched your ugly girlfriend sneer across the room" and my personal favorite
"I can charm the pants off anyone but you".

I don't wear tight ass rocker pants, every woman that has been goodly enough to date me in this town has been much better looking than me, and I don't wear pants unless I have to. So, no, as far as I know the song is not about me. But this chick is hot... So I'm gonna reply and tell her that it might be. 'Cause why the hell not?

You know, someday, someone is going to make a movie about me... maybe have Vangelis score it. It could be called Chariots of Fire 2: Still Burnin'. That just sounds inspirational:

At the very least, I could continue to lie to girls on the internet and tell them that I'm the muse for pop princesses the city over.

Romance in the Workplace

It's a very strange, quiet day here at job #1. I've got some projects to work on this afternoon but have some downtime this morning. As such, I am completing the required "Preventing Workplace Harassment" training. I am on the "Romance in the Workplace" chapter.

I do not expect to do well with this chapter of the training.

The Thin Red Line

If you haven't taken 3 hours out of your life to watch The Thin Red Line then you need to come over to my house and watch it. Now. Well, not now because I'm not there... and when I am there, I am usually asleep. Also, I'm writing in my blog and the internet connection at my house is hit or miss... and that's 'cause I steal it.

What? I live my life on the cheap and if my neighbors are just going to throw out a free internet signal, I might as well use it. Don't judge me.

I watched the movie when I was in college and didn't like. As a matter of fact, not only did I not like it, I didn't understand it. There is a great deal of voice over work. There are plenty of rhetorical questions. John Travolta has a mustache. I've done a great job of selling this, haven't I? Lucky for me, I'm not a movie producer and just a dude that hangs out.

The other evening in a fit of boredom and having gone through most all of my movies in the past 7 months, I made my way over to my collection and pulled this one off the shelf. It marked the first time I had watched it since in about 8 years. Am I ever glad that I did.

Here's the trailer:


It's got the kind of dialogue and the voice overs (oh, the amazing voice overs!) that I wish I could write. I particularly like the lines that Pvt. Jack Bell (played by Ben Chaplin) was given. One in particular:
"Love. Where does it come from? Who lit this flame in us? No war can put it out, conquer it. I was a prisoner. You set me free."

This love... it was written with verve and vigor. And it's the love that's the kind that can't last. And you know it. At least, I do. I've been there.

Go watch the movie.

It's hip to be square

I still think it's hip to be square. Huey Lewis and the News really haven't stood the test of time and not too many people are going to say that they genuinely still like his music... unless you're one of those mustachioed d-bags who ride a tall bike and wear the band's t-shirt ironically. You know who else listened to Huey Lewis a whole bunch? Patrick Bateman, that's right. Life is all about the company you keep, folks. I will temper my hatred for hipsters with a caveat indicating that I on the rare occassion or road trip listen to the band's greatest hits. I also sometimes pretend that I'm Marty McFly. What? Like you don't yell out "88 MILES PER HOUR!" on the freeway.

I received a request yesterday from Natalie to write about my take on this article in the New York Times about how it's hip to be round these days. Seriously. Go read it. I'm gonna go see if I can get a lemonade. I'll be right back.

Okay. I'm back. No lemonade. All they had was that dietsugarfreenofun stuff.

Now, by show of hands from the ladies and gay dudes, how many of you really think a pot belly is sexy on a guy? Be honest. None of this "Oh, I like guys with a little pudge because it's good for cuddling" shit. Leave that at the door. I am going to prove to you all that Guy Trebay (writer of this New York Times article) is full of it. Completely full of it. And I'm going to use movies science to do it. Ready? Here it goes.

Example number one: Boogie Nights. This is one of the best discoveries of science movies ever made. It's funny, it's entertaining, you get to see Heather Graham as God intended her to be seen; it's got everything! What I want to focus on here is Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Betcha didn't see that one coming, did ya? You were all thinking about Marky Mark's funky bunch. Don't lie. But back to PSH for a second. He's chubby, pudgy, portly, and stout. He also dresses like he wants to be hip but fails miserably. You know what happens to him in the movie? He never gets laid and then kills himself. If there's anything that I've learned from Paul Thomas Anderson movies other than everyone in the world is somehow connected and that you should never get between Daniel Day-Lewis and his milkshake, it's that fat dudes don't really do too well with the ladies. And PTA has been nominated for three Oscars® for writing... so he knows something.

Example number two: Han Solo. The smoothest bad ass in all the galaxy. He's a space pirate that plays by his own rules, hangs out with a walking carpet, two asexual robots, and this dude that went on to sling Colt45. And look at him! Not an ounce of fat on his body! And who ends up with Princess Leia at the end of the series? Certainly not her brother pudgy Luke Skywalker. It was the lean, thin, bad mofo. Also, Han knew how to use a lightsaber. Go watch The Empire Strikes Back. It's in the beginning. Oh, and the scientification here? The ships could go light speed and somehow (although this was never explained by George Lucas) had artificial gravity in the vacuum of space. Science fiction = science fact.

Example number three: me. I used to be pretty damn fat. You know how many chicks liked me then? Zero... that I know of. You know how many chicks like me now? Probably the same amount. But I think that's because I went from Dwarf to Hobbit. That's not much of jump in terms of sexiness factor. And also because I talk about Lord of the Rings all the time. And also because I'm going to New Zealand to (among other things) visit Hobbiton. It's almost hard to believe I haven't found any ladies that want to come on this trip, isn't it? That, in science, is what we call an anomaly.

So, Mr. Guy Trebay of The New York Times, go do your research. You've pulled things from such samples as "Brooklyn" and "Brooklyn" (again). I used a dude from the 70's who works on a porn set, a space pirate that owes money to a giant green worm thing, and a guy who works three jobs and lives in Nashville who still ain't gettin' any.

I bet I could kick your ass at Jeopardy!, too.

Have you seen a Boner lately?

Bohn. I have what many people would consider to be an unfortunate-sounding last name. Not "bahn" but "bone". It's something that sort of bothered me in high school (as if being 15 years old wasn't awkward enough) and when 1000 people know you because they know your last name, life's awkward level went to 11. Most of us remember what it was like to be that age. If you are not at least 15, you should probably stop reading this blog right now. I am going to work plenty of innuendo into this entry.

As I grew bigger, I became more comfortable in my own skin. The "Bohner" nickname didn't phase me at all and by the time I got done with high school, no one called me that any more. It was a blessing to have finally shed that moniker which had saddled me for so long. Every once in a while an acquaintance from school will contact me on facebook and greet me with said name. Through the past, darkly, as it were. It doesn't happen very often but it's a trip down memory lane when it does. The "Bohner" nickname... I just can't hide it like I was smuggling something in the waistband of my sweatpants.

We are still in the midst of the Winter Olympics, still chanting "USA! USA! USA!" when ice dancing [how the hell this is a sport is beyond me - Vic probably likes it, though, just like he likes the biathlon] is on. We are all captivated by the dudes who wear blue jeans and are called athletes when all they want to do is smoke weed, eat Honey Nut Cheerios, and talk about the latest (oh, what the devil do punk rock kids listen to these days?) Forever the Sickest Kids record snowboarders and their sick Supersquirrel move. Yes, that really is a move. 'Cause nothing quite says "spirit of the games" like a Supersquirrel. But snowboarding terminology aside, we've got a bit of a mess on our hands. We're missing a Boner.

That's right, Andrew Koenig, 'star' of TV's Growing Pains in the late 80's and early 90's is missing from his recent jaunt to the Olympics in Vancouver. In all honesty, I didn't even know who he was until I went to Google's News page this morning and saw Boner's story sprayed all over the web page. If you do an image search for this guy, you're gonna get a dude that looks like this:

This guy reminds me of a dude who probably still likes watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons. So, not entirely unlike myself except for he has a sweet hairline. I doubt, though, that anyone is going to put up roadblocks looking for this dude. Frankly, if it weren't for his character's unfortunate name, I probably wouldn't remember who he was is and neither would you.

Is this what the media has come to: writing stories abouit bit players on bit tv shows from 20 years ago? It's like what would we do if we all suddenly discovered that Alex Cord who played Archangel on Airwolf had become a recluse and gone into hiding. We'd probably start humming the theme song and go watch some episodes online. At least that's what I'd do.

In the annals of secondary TV characters, Boner really leaves us stranded on second base. I concede, though, that some of the headlines (especially this one from today's USA Today) are exceptionally funny... if a bit misleading. If Boner is missing in Vancouver, well, then, you know he's in Vancouver. I've got a feeling Boner will pop back up sooner or later though. And besides, it's not like the world has lost Shawn Harrison who portrayed Waldo Geraldo Faldo on Family Matters all those years ago. Can you just imagine the headline and subsequent website for what I am sure would be a world wide manhunt?! Wait... you say there's already something called "Where's Waldo?" Aw... crap.

Mr. Koenig, if you happen to be reading this (and according to the analytics enterprise I use about 2% of my readership comes from Canada so it is entirely possible), please come out of hiding. You seem like a nice and talented member of the community. I don't know if you're sad or lonely or depressed or whatever the case may be but there are plenty of women in the world who would love to meet Boner. I'm convinced of it. And if they want to meet you, they should certainly want to meet this Bohner -- at least with me they know they're not gonna get some fading star who has run away to Canada.

The Miracle on Ice

The end of "The Miracle on Ice" which is routinely voted as the greatest moment in sports history:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRALJyv86eY

I will probably never see anything this amazing in my life in the sports world... But last night's USA hockey win over Canada was pretty epic and one of the ten best games I have ever seen.