Have you seen a Boner lately?

Bohn. I have what many people would consider to be an unfortunate-sounding last name. Not "bahn" but "bone". It's something that sort of bothered me in high school (as if being 15 years old wasn't awkward enough) and when 1000 people know you because they know your last name, life's awkward level went to 11. Most of us remember what it was like to be that age. If you are not at least 15, you should probably stop reading this blog right now. I am going to work plenty of innuendo into this entry.

As I grew bigger, I became more comfortable in my own skin. The "Bohner" nickname didn't phase me at all and by the time I got done with high school, no one called me that any more. It was a blessing to have finally shed that moniker which had saddled me for so long. Every once in a while an acquaintance from school will contact me on facebook and greet me with said name. Through the past, darkly, as it were. It doesn't happen very often but it's a trip down memory lane when it does. The "Bohner" nickname... I just can't hide it like I was smuggling something in the waistband of my sweatpants.

We are still in the midst of the Winter Olympics, still chanting "USA! USA! USA!" when ice dancing [how the hell this is a sport is beyond me - Vic probably likes it, though, just like he likes the biathlon] is on. We are all captivated by the dudes who wear blue jeans and are called athletes when all they want to do is smoke weed, eat Honey Nut Cheerios, and talk about the latest (oh, what the devil do punk rock kids listen to these days?) Forever the Sickest Kids record snowboarders and their sick Supersquirrel move. Yes, that really is a move. 'Cause nothing quite says "spirit of the games" like a Supersquirrel. But snowboarding terminology aside, we've got a bit of a mess on our hands. We're missing a Boner.

That's right, Andrew Koenig, 'star' of TV's Growing Pains in the late 80's and early 90's is missing from his recent jaunt to the Olympics in Vancouver. In all honesty, I didn't even know who he was until I went to Google's News page this morning and saw Boner's story sprayed all over the web page. If you do an image search for this guy, you're gonna get a dude that looks like this:

This guy reminds me of a dude who probably still likes watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons. So, not entirely unlike myself except for he has a sweet hairline. I doubt, though, that anyone is going to put up roadblocks looking for this dude. Frankly, if it weren't for his character's unfortunate name, I probably wouldn't remember who he was is and neither would you.

Is this what the media has come to: writing stories abouit bit players on bit tv shows from 20 years ago? It's like what would we do if we all suddenly discovered that Alex Cord who played Archangel on Airwolf had become a recluse and gone into hiding. We'd probably start humming the theme song and go watch some episodes online. At least that's what I'd do.

In the annals of secondary TV characters, Boner really leaves us stranded on second base. I concede, though, that some of the headlines (especially this one from today's USA Today) are exceptionally funny... if a bit misleading. If Boner is missing in Vancouver, well, then, you know he's in Vancouver. I've got a feeling Boner will pop back up sooner or later though. And besides, it's not like the world has lost Shawn Harrison who portrayed Waldo Geraldo Faldo on Family Matters all those years ago. Can you just imagine the headline and subsequent website for what I am sure would be a world wide manhunt?! Wait... you say there's already something called "Where's Waldo?" Aw... crap.

Mr. Koenig, if you happen to be reading this (and according to the analytics enterprise I use about 2% of my readership comes from Canada so it is entirely possible), please come out of hiding. You seem like a nice and talented member of the community. I don't know if you're sad or lonely or depressed or whatever the case may be but there are plenty of women in the world who would love to meet Boner. I'm convinced of it. And if they want to meet you, they should certainly want to meet this Bohner -- at least with me they know they're not gonna get some fading star who has run away to Canada.

Skeletons of fun

The games of the XXI Olympic Winter Games have begun. A time when a bunch of pale skinned [genuine vanilla faces, even!], fair haired, blue eyed men and women from all over the northern hemisphere and parts of Australia get together and play in the snow for weeks on end. I don't think that accurately describes the Games, however, as my friends and I used to do the same things. We called it "January". It was not as exciting as it sounds.

The caveat to the physical stereotype is, of course, the Jamaican bobsled team. We've all seen Cool Runnings. Don't lie. You know you love it. Besides, what's not to believe about John Candy playing a character who at one time was a world class athlete? Aside from everything.

I unabashedly love watching the Olympics. I like rooting for the good ol' USA. I like cheering for the underdog mixed doubles curing team from Lithuania. I like seeing the pure confusion on my friends' faces when I explain the difference between an Axle and a Toe Loop when we're all watching the figure skating competition.
What? Like you don't watch figure skating with your friends?
What? Like you're amazed that I know the difference in figure skating jumps?
What? Like you didn't know I used to take figure skating lessons as a child?
This hole is getting pretty deep. I better stop for a second.

But just for a second.

I understand how a sport becomes an Olympic event. What I don't understand is how a sport continues to be an Olympic event. Biathlon, I'm looking at you. Up for grabs today? You guessed it: 50 Stephen Bohn McFun Bucks if you can tell me, without cheating [I'm looking at you, Patrick Copeland], who the best biathlete in the world is. I'm assuming that you know what the biathlon is. The correct answer is, of course, Tim Burke.

What the hell kind of sport is that? Skiing and shooting a gun? Sounds like an action sequence from The Living Daylights to me. It sounds nothing like a sport. How in the world someone decided those two things should be mashed together, televised (albeit at 2:15 a.m. on MSNBCMOUSE), and then the winners of the event should be given pieces of precious metals for the efforts is completely beyond me. I understand the biathlon less than I understand the words "next date" and that's saying something. For all my cynicism, I'd still probably watch the event if I had cable.

The shoot n' snow event (I've renamed it] not withstanding, there's no reason why you shouldn't watch these games. Go and cheer for an underdog. Go root for the skeletoner... skeletonite... dude who participates in the the skeleton event who is from Denmark whose only competing with his sled Rusty SpeedCryer [writer's note: apparently Danish dudes who participate in the skeleton event name their sleds as though they were stereotypical Native Americans] and the song in his heart. Or, let me come over and watch it at your house because I don't have cable.

I'll bring the McDonald's and we can act just like the athletes in the Olympic village do: eating McNuggets until we burst. 'Cause the commercials tell us that's what all good athletes eat. If that's the case, I've got a Big Mac Attack some serious training to do.

USA! USA! USA!