What kind of jobs I will not do and a $10 billion guarantee*

It has been 8 weeks since I stopped working full-time. Frankly, I am amazed at how little money I have been able to survive on. And that I am able to end sentences with prepositions. And that I am able to start sentences with the word "and". And that I just started and ended a sentence with a word "and". And I did it twice in a row. Man, communicating is neat.

Of course, I haven't been doing nothing in these past 8 weeks. I have gone back and forth with my former employer about money that's owed to me; a situation that has offered all of the drama of a WWE (formerly WWF) plot line. I have worked some freelance gigs. I have worked part-time hither and yon. I have interviewed with some great companies and some not so great companies. I have explored some new opportunities outside of the world of human resources. Which leads me to the point of my blog today.

What kind of jobs I will not do.

It's easier for me to start with the negative. On Saturday, someone told me that I need to be more optimistic but that can wait a bit. Besides, I'm going to use the proximity effect on this blog. You'll come away feeling all romantic and thinking about how much you love me and would want to hire me. Especially if you're a lady.

Okay... Number one job I would not do:

-- Waiter. Seriously. Can any of you guys see me as a waiter? A surly bartender perhaps but no

t as a waiter. Unless it was at a place like Dick's or Applebee's where the servers are paid to be jackholes to you. I'm not above the food service industry by any stretch of the imagination (I used to work in a pizza joint and at Taco Bell when I was in high school) and I don't think that I was particularly good at either of those jobs.

-- Computer Salesman. I actually interviewed about two and a half years ago for this very position but it turns out that the company wanted me to telemarket ink and toner cartridges. That doesn't sound like fun at all. I know, I know... Work is called "work" and not "super adventure puppy time" for a reason but I don't think I'd be very good at this either. Unless (and this is a BIG unless) Charlton Heston was my boss and I was only pretending to be a computer salesman. Then I'd be willing to listen. If the U.S. government happens to be reading this, give me a call. If Dell happens to be reading this and wants to speak with me about an inside sales role, I must politely decline.

-- Male Escort. Although, I guess I could parlay my experiences into writing a book. What?! You mean it's already been done?! Okay... Definitely throw that out the window. By the way, when googling "male escort service nashville" you don't get many quality results. I can help with that. I understand search engine optimization a bit.

Pretty much everything else is fair game.

I'm finding it hard, though, to fill the days. I spend lots of time networking online, applying for positions, doing phone and in-person interviews but haven't landed just yet. And, let's be honest, there's only so many jobs available and so many jobs posted online. So I've got to fill my days somehow. For instance, I have spent this morning looking for jobs (FIRST THING I DID!!!), blogging, and have progressed regressed to watching Twilight: Vampire Hugs in my underpants:

If that doesn't get your hearts racing, hiring managers of the world, I don't know what will.

So, in closing, if you are looking for someone who understands human resources, recruiting, social media as something that is actually useful and (simultaneously) totally ridiculous, search engine optimization (if you guys link to my blog, I guarantee that you will get $10 billion*), content creation, floral delivery, kicking ass at Jeopardy!, and a whole host of other things, get at me. I'm all about engaging. Especially the engaging that's done at the end of this Twilight: Vampire Hugs movie.

Did I just gave away the ending? Oh, well.

Job leads are appreciated.

*10 billion guarantee not guaranteed.

SUPER EDWARD CULLEN SPARKLE FACE DAY

So today marks the big day. That's right. THE DAY. For women the country over, I don't even have to mention what day it is. For men, I probably do. That's right... it's SUPER EDWARD CULLEN SPARKLE FACE DAY!

Dudes the world over just went, "Huh?"

That's right... Today marks the release of Twilight: What the Hell Book Movie are We on Now? [HTML, to the rescue!] in theaters nationwide. I have trouble supporting the world of Harry Potter -- let's face it, they spend 700 pages talking about how they can't talk about Voldemort then the Hogwart's gang fights him at the end of the book only to have the match end in a stalemate, thus perpetuating the next year of magic school and subsequent book(s) in the adventure. I'm sorry. I lost it somewhere during year five and walked away. The thing is, by all accounts, J.K. Rowling is fairly good writer whereas this Stephenie Meyer chick is quite awful. To quote Stephen King:

The real difference [between Rowling and Meyer] is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer, and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a damn. She's not very good... People are attracted by the stories, by the pace and in the case of Stephenie Meyer, it's very clear that she's writing to a whole generation of girls and opening up kind of a safe joining of love and sex in those books. It's exciting and it's thrilling and it's not particularly threatening because it's not overtly sexual.

In all honesty, I did see the second Twilight film. I was hanging out with Michelle and Brian and Michelle really wanted to see it. And, if you know anything about me, you'll know that I'll watch pretty much any movie you put in front of me. I also own Mega Snake on DVD, so take my opinion on films rather lightly. So, for you unfortunate fellows who will invariably dragged kicking and screaming by your lady to SUPER EDWARD CULLEN SPARKLE FACE DAY, let me give you a quick run down of what has happened so far in the world of teenage vampire lust books:

Edward is a really good-looking, 110 year old vampire who hangs out at high schools. Bella is some chick who goes to high school. Then some guy named Jacob turns into a werewolf. No one makes out. Edward goes to Mexico (or some place). Bella cries for months in her room and goes cliff diving. No one makes out. Edward comes back and looks like a fuckin' Lite Brite in the sunshine. No one makes out. A couple characters go to Italy (or some other place) and fight some other vampires. Then there is a proposal. There. I just saved you four boobless hours of not watching the first two movies.

Here's the thing, though, about SUPER EDWARD CULLEN SPARKLE FACE DAY that I have a real problem with: it makes girls and women the world over think that dudes that look like SUPER EDWARD CULLEN SPARKLE FACE are interested in girls like Bella. You think the best-looking star of a high school wants to date the nerdy chick that listens to indie rock and lives with her dad? Nope. Me neither. Besides... I seem to recall this story coming out a few years ago:

And She's All That has better acting, too. It is this humble blogger's opinion that if your acting is worse than that of Freddie Prinze, Jr., you need to cut that shit out. Immediately.

If I looked like SUPER EDWARD CULLEN SPARKLE FACE, I'd probably have things a bit easier in life. I'd have multiple visible ab muscles instead of this round thing in their place. I'd have mussed, spiky hair that doesn't smell like pizza (note to self: wash hair today). I'd be 6 foot something and not look like a Leprechaun. I'm also confident that I could at least make out with a chick that's better looking than Bella. Hell, I do that now... from time to time. Or at least I'd have you believe that. See, it's all about confidence... And... Hell... Lost my train of thought.

Fellas who are going to see this film this week(end), I salute you. You're much better at being your gal's man than I think I could ever be. Besides... I think I hear Mega Snake calling my name.





You've got to give credit to Stephenie Meyer, though. She knows how to market her writing to the ladies. Maybe I should hang out with her... Get my readership up.