The Return of the Give Flowers to a Single Lady in Nashville on Valentine's Day Giveway

Every year, Valentine's Day rolls around. It's like Christmas. Or Jeopardy! at 6:00pm (which I am currently watching and knocking the shit out of these college kids including some guy from Vanderbilt -- take THAT!). Or wait... That last thing is daily. What else rolls around? Marbles? Sure. Every year, Valentine's Day rolls around like marbles. How's that for a simile? And just like a room full of marbles, navigating Valentine's Day is particularly tricky. Unless, of course, you are a cast member of an ensemble romantic comedy starring everyone ever. Then things just sort of fall into place. Like marbles into marble-shaped and -sized holes.

Have I written enough about marbles yet? Maybe for today but I don't promise anything. Except...

That's right, Ladies. With a capital "L". It's just about time for my annual giveaway. That's right: Give Flowers to a Single Lady in Nashville on Valentine's Day Giveaway

Here are the rules. 'Cause what's the fun of having a contest if you can't have rules? That's the fun part, right? The rules?

1.) First of all, you won't owe me anything. You don't have to call me. You don't have to text me. You don't have to even know me all that well. We don't have to be friends on facebook (which is my FAVORITE thing on earth). I'm not even looking to celebrate the infamous Steak and BJ Day the following month.

2.) The flowers will be from A Village of Flowers. I used to work there and any chance I can get to support them, I will support them. They've been making dudes look like champs for years.

3.) I will spend up to $65. This is the approximate cost of a dozen roses. If you want roses, that's cool with me. I can think of many other flowers that I like better but these are for you and if you want a dozen roses then, damnit, you're gonna get your dozen roses.

4.) As my friend Ryan has already jokingly inquired, yes, you have to be a woman, you have to be single, and you have to live in Nashville. I'm not driving out to Lebanon after I've been at work all day. Antioch is also out of the question. Madison? Doesn't count. You get the idea.

5.) The winner is picked by me. Don't feel bad if you don't win. It's not that exciting. I'm probably going to show up in dress pants and a button up shirt. I sit in front of a computer all day.

So, why am I doing this? Well, let's look at Valentine's Day. For the two weeks leading up to it, all you hear on the radio are commercials for buying that special lady in your life a diamond that looks like a piece of frozen spit from a chain

jewelry store. Or if you listen to a really awesome station, a commercial telling you to buy your sweetheart a cell phone. I shit you not, I heard that very commercial last night. I'd probably be pretty stoked if someone bought me a cell phone. I'd turn around, sell it on eBay, and then use that money to pay for these flowers that I'm getting some lady. That's a pretty cyclical argument, in'it? No, the real reason is that I feel like an ass most of the year. And as much as everyone says that they hate VD -- that's Valentine's Day, you sickos -- you, and me, and everyone else that's sitting at home all by themselves watching Muppet Treasure Island on a Friday night whilst updating their blog probably wishes that they weren't... Which will likely mirror my Valentine's Day night. I just randomly picked those last things out. Muppet Treasure Island. And Friday night. Updating their blog. By myself. My point is (and, yes, I realize how incredibly long this paragraph has become) is that I'm trying to be nice. I'm not very good at it and this about the one thing that I can do each year to do something, well, nice.

If you don't want flowers, that's cool. Don't enter. If you'd like to be in the contest, just send me a message/email/facebook thingy and let me know. The more creative the reason, the better chance you have of me showing up on your doorstep a week and a half from now with an arrangement and wearing business casual clothes and smelling like a manufacturing facility. I'm not trying to be romantic, I'm just trying to make one lady's day a little bit better

.

Free flowers! Ladies, inquire within.

Irony: i-ro-ny [ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] –noun, plural -nies.
1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: The irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

This is one of my favorite literary devices. Indeed it is. That and, as always, assonance. There are so many wonderful and fun ways to use it: to make fun of people, to make fun of situations, to make fun of people in situations. Um... Basically that would be it but that is the basis of humor and I'm not clever enough to think of new jokes or ways to use the old ones. I stick with what I know and it's lead me to the a life of fame, glory, and sleeping on top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies each and every night. See? Irony. Right there.

For those of you who don't know, there aren't many holidays that I enjoy. Christmas, Worksgiving Thanksgiving, Easter, Valentine's Day: these are all days I can do without. Don't get me wrong, I think that the meaning behind them is fantastic but dropping some cash on chocolates or flowers for your sweetie just because the world says you should and if you don't you're going to be sleeping on the couch next to your 60 pound boxer who would be more than willing to make sweet love on you all night long... that's just wrong By the way, I did a Google image search for "boxer" and found yonder image. The url associated with it ended with "Boxers at play". Check it out for yourself. I don't know what kinda play that is... This is where I'd make a joke about David Carradine or Roman Polanski but I don't have one for either off of the top of my head.

So, guys, you kinda hafta buy something for your sweetheart this weekend. Otherwise it'll be you, a bottle of Fireball whiskey, and your entire collection of Pirates of the Caribbean movies trying to make it through the next few days. Actually, that sounds like a pretty good weekend if you ask me. And, fellas, quit asking me for discounts. I think I may have done used 'em up. "May have done used 'em up"? Good God.

The personal irony for me is that in addition to loathing Valentine's Day is that I work at a florist on the weekends; a job which I adore on a day that I decidedly do not. For the next two-ish days, I will be driving around the greater Nashville area delivering love (hehehe). To see the reaction on women's faces (and probably some dudes', too) when I hand them their bouquet and then have them immediately run over and hug/kiss/makeoutwith their significant other while I'm standing there with my clipboard in my hand waiting for her or him to come back to the front door and sign it all the while freezing my ass off on what may very well be my least favorite day of the the year... Well, that's irony.

To the ladies who are reading this (and I know there are at least three or four of you), don't feel bummed if you ain't got nobody just like David Lee Roth in his song "Just a Gigolo". I don't either. And maybe, just maybe mind you, I'll make your Valentine's Day by swinging by your place after I'm done working and give you a flower or two. Goodness knows what happens when I give flowers out to women: Someone else comes along and gives her a bigger arrangement and she starts gushing about that one. Which may or may not have happened in real life within the past week to me.

Has anyone seen my pride? If so, can I have it back?

So ladies who may be interested in free flowers, get at me. Leave me a comment. Tell me why you deserve free flowers from me: charming, funny, bearded, handsome me. Make sure I've got your phone number. Wear something skimpy when I show up. You know the drill.